The Life of a Ladybug

live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. practice wellness. play with abandon. laugh. choose with no regret. continue to learn. appreciate your friends. do what you love. live as if this is all there is. -mary anne radmacher

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Sometimes I wish I had a brain eraser ...

'Cause the thing is, no matter how much I try not to, it will always drift back to my past loves. Like today ... I'm sitting here listening to the iPod and "Every Little Thing You Do" by Soul For Real comes on. I love that song - it reminds me of high school ... it also reminds me of him. Isn't it amazing how a song or a scent can slam you right back into a particular time and space and all the feelings you had then come flooding back? There are three songs that take me back to him - "Every Little Thing You Do", "Break Up To Make Up" by The Stylistics (I think) ... it was the song he was singing when I talked to him on the phone for the first time, and "How Deep Is Your Love" by the BeeGees, which was one of his favorites. Whenever I hear any of them, I remember what it was like to love him. I was so young ... he was so young. We were both immature and equally melodramatic. Our relationship was full of such hills and valleys, you can't imagine. (Well, some of you can, because you were there.) He was not the first boy I ever loved, but he was the first one to love me back. I do believe he truly loved me, at least, as much as a teenaged boy can love. Everything about us was fiery ... we had the most Godawful break-ups and the most yummy make-ups. He was a jackass in every sense of the word, except, well, the literal one, since he wasn't actually a donkey or anything. But in the sense that jackass = sucky, he was that and more. The way he treated me really sucked sometimes. But he was a sweet jackass, if there is such a thing. He thought I was beautiful and told me so often. He was fiercely protective. But he was also fiercely jealous and controlling, in a way only a conceited teenaged boy can be. He had the voice of an angel and was a handsome devil and he tore my heart out when he boarded that plane. Still, I outgrew him before he did likewise and it wasn't a pleasant ending the first time ... or the second. I am thankful to have had him in my life, if only because I can say that I experienced a true teenaged romance, in all its glory and pain. And because, when good love came along, in the form of Victor, I recognized it because it looked nothing like him.


At June 09, 2006 1:39 AM, Anonymous Eve said...

Okay, this line:

"He was a jackass in every sense of the word, except, well, the literal one, since he wasn't actually a donkey or anything."

had me rolling. That is a very quotable quote, Toya. I can't stop giggling.

I can totally relate to that rock in the gut feeling when a memory shoves its way to the surface like this. It feels nice to know I'm not alone.

At June 09, 2006 2:03 PM, Anonymous Tomara said...

U have summed my teenaged romance up in a nutshell. lol...gigglin' though cause to some I am still a teen, even though I just boarded the grown and sexy boat....21

At June 09, 2006 2:44 PM, Blogger Toya said...

Welcome to the blog, Tomara! BTW - You're still a baby!


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